Confessions of an online dating
I am learning to take time to grieve and to really feel. I put my entire worth into my boyfriend, and I left God out of it.
I realized that I need to let God write my love story.
About a week after we met, we started dating and I fell head over heels.
“When we were in the early stages of our relationship, he treated me like a queen. I didn’t say anything because he didn’t like confrontation or having deep conversations in general.
I had to make up nicknames for all of them, and designed a spreadsheet with relevant details of each to keep track of it all. And meanwhile, the dating continued, worse than ever. I’d meet guys who never posted pictures, who were in the country for a week, who didn’t know the difference between their, there, and they’re, who voted for Bush. I discovered that on CL I just had to be thin to get responses. I’d take down my ads, I’d tell people I was taking a ‘break’ from dating, I’d arrange to see the same guy several times just to keep me from going on new dates. Except, you know, when they deserve it, the fat fucks…. Just as I was going to call him, I got a call confirming a date that evening from the self-made brilliant millionaire who wanted 3-6 kids with a tall, IQ over 140 musical instrument woman and I realized I had also scheduled, for that very same evening, a threesome at the Hotel Washington ---that’s when it hit me: online dating had literally destroyed my life. Right then and there, I made a commitment to stop the madness. He did everything right, and I thought I was going to marry him from day one, which I later found out was a mistake. I just kept quiet and hoped that everything was okay. We broke up, not for one specific reason, but for many different ones. I put everything into him, and received little to nothing in return.
“About three months into the relationship, I started to realize that things were different. I had never worked harder for something, and that was a problem in and of itself.
Little did I know it then, but that was the beginning of the end. I had a date every night, and when I’d get home, I’d log on to see who else e-mailed me. Walks along the mall at night, theater tickets, jazz concerts, drinks, art exhibitions. But as I continued to rack up dates, my life began to change in subtle ways. Slack jawed, bleary eyed, I could only listen with faux enthusiasm and nod at appropriate intervals to their monologues. Soon, I had exhausted the possibilities of match, nerve, and yahoo. I even met guys through Rant and Raves and once, I went out on a date with someone I bought a desk from.