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17-Apr-2020 17:12

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Dear Men of Online Dating Apps, I recently returned to the fold after a four month vacay during which I crashed and burned a budding relationship until its charred remains resembled the detritus at the back of my oven. Newly single and back on the app, I’m experiencing deja vu as I find myself scrolling past the same faces I saw last time I was husband hunting. If you have persuaded a lovely woman to date you, she’ll be embarrassed that she’s seeing The Spreader.

There’s an odds-on chance that if you do this on the tube, you’ll be photographed and publicly shamed, and everyone on Twitter will hate you.

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And I am doing this out of kindness, because you’re probably nice men, but you’re shit at using a dating app, so starting with your photos, here’s what you’re doing wrong: Guys, no one wants a preview of your ballsack bound in snug, shiny fabric.

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